Disappointment - The Creative's Burden
I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to accept disappointment - because it doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere - and it’s everywhere.
For one - It's part of the process for our work. Getting better at our craft is a road through disappointment. Often, the things we create are not what we see in our heads and it takes time and practice to get it to where those two things match.
And then you challenge yourself again, and the cycle starts over. More disappointment ahead! That’s the process.
But the burden is more than that.
Speaking bluntly, it’s people… they are going to disappoint you. Not in like a heavy, let you down when you really needed them kinda way. (though...)
But in aesthetic, in scope, in execution, in their capacity, or not seeing what you see, etc, and so on.
It's part of the loneliness that comes along with this life. People you love won't get it. Their efforts may not look the way you want them to or be as inspired as you like. They may be silent expressions or express love in a way that goes under our "creative person" radar.
Some of us are so fucking good at stuff that most people are bad just ok at, that if we’re looking for the love/affection of others to always be at our higher standards, we will be constantly disappointed.
For instance: If you're good at surprise parties, you may have to accept the disappointment that you'll never get a great surprise party. The people who love you might not be the kind of people who are good at surprise parties... that's why they have you.
The sad part is that other people won't understand it. You can't tell them, but inside... we know we are stopping ourselves from curating or designing or whatever it is you do well. I often have to purposely turn off the part of my brain that helps in my creative work when I'm dealing with other people's expressions of love, or I will not appreciate them as deeply as I should/could.
I've been reflecting on this for a while now, back in the summer I was speaking with a creative friend (who I've had on the podcast) and she said in passing, "I'm constantly disappointed" and I thought, "You are? Me too? Oh, I'm so glad someone finally said it."
I don't believe it's because we're assholes. (I know she's not, at least.) I believe it's because we have high standards.
We all know we can be our own worst critics but we can forget not to be so tough on the people we love. We might not even realize we are being too tough on them. And even when we do recognize it and make peace with it, we're still dealing with a general sense of disappointment.
I think it's ok to have a hard time with that. I’m pointing it out and talking about it in the hope that acknowledging it can help us be ok with it. I’m writing this to remind myself to take off my fine-tuned “creative goggles” and see the love in things badly made, poorly planned, or unable to be properly communicated.
Here’s the thing about disappointment, it stems from our expectations and the lens through which we view our lives. If we are only looking for the things that look like love, or beauty to us - we won’t see other expressions, or we won’t give them the weight they deserve. Especially internally, where disappointment can fuel isolation - that’s where I feel I struggle with this the most. It’s an overall sense of disappointment, which leads to loneliness. But I’m getting better at seeing the whole picture. (I hope)
Looking for and giving weight to these expressions can help reframe and better inform our expectations - which should lead to us feeling less disappointed, and maybe even cause us to grow in our own expressions of love and support.
I was thankful that my creative friend expressed her disappointment. It made me feel less alone in it, which made me feel less guilty about it, which led me to write this - and hopefully helped me grow a little.
That’s showing up for me.
I hope you found this encouraging and relatable.
I’m here with ya, in the trenches of creativity.
All the best.
-Ryan Leacock